The Problem with Stuff

You get off work and finally make it home. As you step into your house what is the FIRST thought or emotion that you have? 

Are you immediately at peace and able to breathe a bit deeper? (If you're like me the first thing you do is kick off your shoes and change into your comfy clothes)  Do you pour yourself a glass of wine, put a record on, and start dinner? Que Bohemian Rhapsody "Is this the real life, is this just fantasy?"

Perhaps when you grace your home the first thing you notice are the dishes on the counter, the laundry waiting to be washed, furniture in need of dusting and all of this while the rest of your family is vegged out in front of the TV. You think to yourself "am I the ONLY one who sees the mess!?" Sound familiar? C'mon and tell me it's not just me.

Sadly most of us fall into the overwhelmed state of mind for the majority of the time. Have you ever stopped to think of why though? Before you go into justification mode, RELAX. Stop thinking about all of the things that you should be doing besides reading this blog and be in the moment. Be here, with me now. If you're going to do something, then by God, do it wholeheartedly. 

Over the last 6 months or so I've been slowly, or sometimes not so slowly, removing my family's personal belongings from our home. I started in the kitchen then worked my way to bedrooms and closets. 

The other day my 15 year old son, Luke, was sitting at the kitchen table. Having recently removed nearly everything from our refrigerator and kitchen counter, I asked his honest opinion of what he thought about the changes. He said "I like it." A little surprised at his response I asked why? "I feel like I can think better with all of the junk out of the way." Hmm...the kid is onto something. Luke said our stuff takes away our time. Because the more stuff we have, the more time we have to spend taking care of it. 

How can it be so plain to a 15 year old and yet so many of us adults ignore the signs that our "stuff" in fact controls us? We've bought into the lie that in order to be accepted we have to keep up with our peers. Which is so bogus it makes me mad!

Who says I have to put something above my faux fireplace or balance the room with my decor? That's how I ended up with a bunch of decorations on my walls that 1) I didn't choose because I believed myself to be inadequate in this area and 2) I didn't even like. 

If I don't hang pictures of my family on the walls will people think I don't care about them? Because I care about my family but not about hanging pictures of them on the walls. If that's your thing, embrace it! 

Because it isn't about comparisons. We've got to stop comparing our lives to others. It's about how you can do your life better. How you can discover freedom from the trappings of this life. Ways you can create more room for the things that really matter to you and less stress over things that aren't important.

I had a closet full of clothes that I bought because they were on sale. And I told myself I was being frugal. Frugal my fat toe! I realize now that I wasted my money by buying lots of cheap clothes that had to be replaced every year because they were poor quality. I valued quantity over quality. 

All of these clothes actually brought more stress into my life by adding another decision I had to make before even getting my day started. Decision fatigue is a real thing. Google it. The more effort you put into making decisions that don't really matter, the less clarity you have to focus on the ones that do. (One reason why I LOVE backpacking!)

So one day I decided to do something about it. And I'm still doing something about it. It's a process. 

I am amazed at the emotional attachment we have to our stuff. How did we get here!?

I've been told it was the great depression that triggered hoarding. People had gone without for so long they saved every single thing they could get and learned to be resourceful. This is good if you actually re-use what you save.

How much stuff do you have lying around your house because you think that some day you'll use it?

Ya'll...I kept a bike helmet for YEARS because I just knew that some day I would get into cycling. I mean, I'm pretty sure it expired if that's a real thing. Don't they upgrade those things every year? 

I kept a nasty little stuffed doll named Maggie because she was mine when I was younger. I don't actually remember playing with Maggie. I only remember being told that I did so... I should hang onto her. Right? Mom says I loved her. So she should be special to me. So I put her in a box and kept her in the top of my closet. She's gone with me through moves. Never coming out. Never being played with. She probably is a carrier for who knows what kind of germs! She's gone now to someone who will appreciate her more than I ever did.

Do you see the cycle? Can you relate to anything I've shared? Let me know! Do you think I'm crazy? I don't know that I'm expressing myself very well here. I have a friend who asked me if I want to move into a tiny home. Don't get me wrong. I DO think about it. But it isn't realistic for my family right now. 

Minimalism is about clearing the clutter, considering what brings value to your life and making room for that. And relationships are what THIS family values. And that means a comfy couch for you to plop down on when you come for a visit. An extra coffee mug for you to use, because while I may not be whipping up some delicious meal with a fancy kitchen gadget for you, I always have coffee. And enough room for our kids to run around together. 

What do you value? 

How can you reset your focus, your home, and your time to be intentional about pursuing your values? 

Harmony

I told you I would be vulnerable. Here goes.

It was somewhere around the year 2012 when I admitted mental defeat. I felt like I was losing my mind and it scared me. It wasn’t something I could pray myself out of or pick myself up from. Something was seriously wrong. I couldn’t cry. I didn’t care about life. I was numb. In fact I kept wishing for something to happen that would land me in the hospital. Not paralysis or death, just enough to put me in a bed, on meds, and make it “OKAY” to be numb. Then I could fully embrace it, I thought. It was my rock bottom.

Depression is real and serious. I definitely didn’t understand that until going through it. And even then it is different for everyone. But the feeling of utter helplessness is the same.

I began seeing a therapist and she prescribed me medication for depression. Up until that point in my life I had never taken meds consistently for anything. I mean, how do you think I ended up pregnant at the age of 17?  “I don’t need birth control!”   Denial is my middle name. No, seriously... Denia-Leah. DENIALeah. It’s my middle name. I’ve accepted it.

If you’ve never seen a therapist you should try it. Put it on your bucket list. It’s worthy. My therapist would ask me thought provoking questions that led me to new realizations of myself and my life. It was as if she would sit in front of me with a mirror and make me look at everything I had been avoiding. That sounds miserable, but it brought healing.

Self-Awareness is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

She asked me if I knew what the word congruent meant. “No.” I thought. “I’m not here to learn new words I’m here to get well.” She told me she thought my life was incongruent with my expectations.  “huh?”

Carl Rogers was a humanistic psychologist that defined congruence as the matching of experience and awareness.

I like to call it Harmony. Once I became aware of just how off base my life had become in a specific area I was able to make some changes and begin to heal.

Adam Baker asked a group of folks at a TED talk (<- google this) one question. “What does freedom mean to you?”

Each person must answer this for themselves. Step back to analyze your life and see if you are living a life that is congruent to what you really want. You may just find that you are living a life you didn’t choose but someone else chose for you. The media, your teachers or parents, who/what has had the most influence in your life? There is nothing wrong with your life unless it’s not the one you want.

Nigel Marsh said “There are thousands and thousands of people out there living lives of quiet, screaming desperation who work long, hard hours, at jobs they hate, to enable them to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.”

The curse of STUFF

In the spring of 2016 the seeds of minimalism were planted in my heart.

I remember gazing dreamily at all of the tiny homes my husband and I walked through in Mountain View, AR. They were the creation of a company called Slabtown Custom Tiny Houses. After having spent a weekend at the Wildflower Bed & Breakfast (owned by our beloved friends Chris and Shelly Smith), my husband, Donnie, and I drove by Slabtown and asked for a tour. Then it happened.

Think back to a moment in time when you fell in love with something or someone. Did you get those chills that made the hair on your arms stand up? Call me crazy and some do, but that totally happened to me when I fell in love with tiny homes. I almost cried.. right there for no seemingly apparent reason to a typical, burly Mountain View man. “We are meant for this.” I breathed from behind my hands covering my mouth. THIS… is meant for us. Somehow. Someway. One day. THIS is going to happen for us.

I still don’t know what that looks like. I am not even sure that I want to live in a tiny home. But standing there in that tiny, open space I knew things would never go back to the way they had been before.

On the way home from Mountain View that day Donnie and I talked of our hopes and dreams for our future. I am a natural dreamer. Bless him, Donnie keeps my feet on the ground.  We both knew that change would be coming. Something shifted.

We began the pursuit of minimalism in September of 2016.  And although I haven’t been at this for long, it has already begun to impact my family’s life for the better.

Life is simple. And yet stuff makes things unnecessarily complicated. The more STUFF you own the less you have. Less time and less money. You only have more things. More possessions. And how does that make you feel? Does your stuff make you feel important?

 In the book “Do Less” Rachel Jonat says that “we confuse owning things with doing things.” And she is right. Just this week I asked a friend to make a list for me. (You know, because I am analyzing everything in my life and I’m dragging her along with me.)  A couple of days later she sends me a picture of a journal and pen set and jokingly comments that she “needs” it! Hinting to the idea that if she owned that journal and pen set THEN she could make a list.

How many times have you said “If I only had                           then I would                         ”? And you buy said item and it doesn’t happen. For example: “If I had trail shoes I would be a trail runner” or “If I had this fancy kitchen gadget then I would cook?” Owning things is not the same as doing things. 

A couple of months ago I decided to go through my house and remove items that we weren’t using. And there were A LOT. I shared this with my friends on Facebook and some of them were more upset at me getting rid of my childhood treasures than I was! That tells me how much of a problem we have. We are too connected to our belongings.

Once you detach yourself from the things you own you find you are free from the restrictions they place on you.

You are probably in one of two camps at the moment. Either you are becoming or have become aware of the clutter in your life and are ready to make a change. Or you think you are happy with your stuff. And maybe you are. But what if you’re not?

I love challenges. It’s a way to put yourself to the test. So, for those of you ready to make a change look at the list below and find one that you can commit to. Don’t worry. I’m not going to ask you to give away all of your possessions or to buy a tiny home.  We can take baby steps together and go from there.

THE GOAL:  to live with less stuff and more time for what matters most

·      Make a list of simple things you enjoyed this week. (ex. Going for a run, having coffee with friends, cooking dinner for family.) Then list the things that didn’t make you happy. 

·      Remove 1 item a day from your home for 30 consecutive days. At the end of your 30 days sell or donate your items.

·      Purge your closet! For those who mean business…check out project 333 by Courtney Carver. Dress with 33 items or less for 3 months. Put all of your other clothes in a box and store them away.

Happy Purging

Minimalism

The first time I heard the term minimalism was in 2011, the year I fell in love with backpacking.  My dad was telling me about people who would drill holes through their spoons or cut off the end of their toothbrush to cut back on weight.  It was all about going as light as possible and taking only the essentials.  The idea seemed crazy to me at the time.

Minimalism is: Focusing on the Essentials 

Although I don't consider myself a minimalist backpacker, one could argue that a backpacker of any sort is indeed a minimalist. The beauty of backpacking is intentionality. It is for me anyways. I thoughtfully plan and consider every item I take on a trip. You know...since I will be carrying it all on my back as I hike. A beginner backpacker will realize the necessity of forethought usually within their first couple of miles into their hike. Once they hit the first hill they quickly begin to rethink the extra pair of shoes or how much food they actually need. 

As it turns out, I don't need much to have a great backpacking experience. In fact the fewer options available to me, the more freedom I have. Picture this: 

My friend and I have enjoyed a long day of hiking and exploring the beautiful Ozark Mountains of Arkansas. It's about 5pm and we are ready to make camp for the night. We have everything we need on our backs. We come up on a side trail that leads us to a beautiful overlook of a waterfall. There is a creek nearby for water and ambience. Our muscles are fatigued and we are hungry. As we drop our packs we take a big stretch and a deep breath. We are home for the night.

We empty our packs of everything inside. Everywhere you look there are clothes, food, and gear. Everything we need. It isn't long before our tent is up and we have a fire going. As we sit by the fire and chat we decide what's for dinner. Simple choice. We only have a couple of options. And it's wonderful. We are careless and spend our time focused on what matters most. Each other. 

One of the many things I love about backpacking is the authentic relationships that naturally form on the trail. We don't waste time on comparisons. We aren't worried about what someone else thinks of us. We have one goal and we work together to accomplish it. It's a beautiful thing! 

The art of minimalism is removing excess

If only we had to carry around everything we owned on our backs! We wouldn't have rooms filled with things that if we are honest, we aren't even sure how they got there. 

My family has recently begun the pursuit of a minimalistic lifestyle. Albeit, a bit unknowingly on their part, we are slowly making changes that will bring the freedom of the trail into our home and lives. Oh..my..sweetness. The freedom of the trail. (Did I just find my first book title?)

Have you seen the minimalism movement in your community? It's slowly catching on here in Arkansas. Maybe you're like I was and are just sitting back and watching everyone else for a bit. That's great! I've watched enough you tube videos to know there is something to it and the joy it has brought to people. 

Minimalism means being intentional. Considering what you want in life and pursuing that. Removing the excess, the unnecessary, the distractions. 

I'm going to share our journey with you here. Our lives are far from perfect, but I'm going to be real and vulnerable with you guys. Because authenticity is where it's AT! 

So follow me as we travel along the path of minimalism.